Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!