My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
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Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
This kinda thing happens to me often
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.