Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
You Might Also Like
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”