Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
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[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.