AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.