Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
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I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”