The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
The Birdles
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
This is so me 😂😂
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.