Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Cool shirt 🙂
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”