I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
You Might Also Like
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Ah yes. The three genders
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
*me flirting