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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Wednesday
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My current situation
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name