Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
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A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Go girl power!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay