Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.