*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
drew a comic about my origin story
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.