1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
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What if all the cashiers are married?
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
then why did i get this email
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER