Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Smooooooth
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
That’s amazing.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Best spot.. 😅
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.