Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.