My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.