Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
one of
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.