normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.