My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If you’re testing me, we failed.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do