My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
What a website
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
#oldknees
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.