Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Basketball
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time