[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
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#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit