[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter