Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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Aight bet
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Did my cat write this
My dating profile:
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.