Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
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a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.