The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd