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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”