It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
You Might Also Like
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
this is so top tier i cant
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain