[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations