(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow