No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
🙂🐾
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.