Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.