The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Rather alarming headline…
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Why am I like this?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.