Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.