I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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#SCOTUS one-star review
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
can’t catch a break
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.