6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed