Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
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What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Hey i am sexy to you now
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?