reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I have two kinds of followers
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2