Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Spa day..😅
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*