I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
another case of gang violins
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.