To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
You Might Also Like
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
A fake ID that makes you younger
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.