kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
it is time once again
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive