*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I think I’ll stand
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.