I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
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Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
What
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?