Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
May have had one breakfast too many
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.