7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
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LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]