I don’t share cheese on the first date.
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.