Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I can’t wait!
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…