[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.